MORE PIES – Active Listening Skills from Andrew B Brown

MORE PIES

MORE PIES is an acronym to help us remember some of the key components of active listening. It was created by our good friend, Andrew B Brown, and is based on his practical and theoretical knowledge as a negotiator in difficult sitations. Let’s touch on each point in order:

M – Minimal encouragers

Minimal encouragers are all the small noises and engagements that we make when we’re in conversation with someone to show that they have our attention and that we are present in the conversation. They include things like “uh-huh”, “yup”, “OK”, “Yes”, “with you”, “mmmm” and so on.

While they might not seem that important, they’re real signs that we are  truly involved in a conversation and they’re the type of thing that will probably mean someone doesn’t need to ask “are you listening?”.

O – Open-ended questions

Open ended questions are questions that don’t lead us into the conversational cul-de-sac of yes / no answer.

Rudyard Kipling’s poem “The Elephant’s Child” from the “Just So Stories” features a famous stanza: “I keep six honest serving-men (They taught me all I knew); Their names are What and Why and When And How and Where and Who”, which serves as a great guide to keep us on track with open-ended questions.

Asking open ended questions of this nature will help us gain more information and open a conversation. At time though, it might be helpful to use a more closed question to narrow the conversation.

R – Reflecting / mirroring,

Reflecting and mirroring involves adopting a similar body language, tone, words, volume and voice to the person you’re speaking too. Quite often when people are engaged in conversation, they’ll find themselves naturally mirroring.

Mirroring helps us demonstrate attentiveness and helps the person we’re speaking to feel listened to. The process also helps the person you’re speaking to feel really understood, which can create stronger relationships, reduce conflict and increase levels of trust and confidence in each other.

E – Emotional Labelling

Emotional labelling is the process of naming emotions in a conversation in an effort to gain clarity on how someone else is actually feeling.

For example, if we’re speaking to someone and they’re presenting as a bit angry or frustrated, we might say to them: “Ah, you’re sounding quite frustrated”. If we get the emotion wrong in our labelling, then they’ll let us know. In this example they might say: “No, I’m really angry”.

Taking this allows us to identify and confirm the emotions of the people we are speaking to with confidence, which can help us navigate these conversations more effectively.

Some people are more instinctive in these ability to identify others’ emotions, some less so. If we’re in the less so camp, then labelling like this is a great tool that we can learn to help us get better at really gaining clarity on how others are feeling in a conversation. 

P – Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing involves repeating back to somewhat what they have said, but using our own words.

When we paraphrase back to someone something they have said it demonstrates that we’ve been listening and understanding, helping them feel heard and understood. It also gives them space to correct, elaborate and refine their thinking, all of which improves clarity for both parties in the conversation.

I – I-Messages

I messages are a helpful tool for addressing bad behaviour in a conversation in a non-directive and non-confrontational way.

To use I-messages you simple say something like: “I feel [INSERT FEELING] when you do [WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU’RE ADDRESSING]”, and end the statement there. Essentially what you’re doing here is conveying the negative impact of an action without specifically asking / telling the person you’re speaking to to stop doing something.

As an aside, this process of explaining the impact of someone’s actions on us is also a key part of many feedback models in the workplace.

E – Effective Pauses

Pausing in conversations, creating silence, is a very effective tool when used effectively. Most people dislike silence and can feel uncomfortable in it, which is very human and a natural part of us being highly social beings. 

When we skilfully leave space in a conversation, it can create a bit of a vacuum or an invitation for someone else to fill the gap. This space and sense of invitation can help others to share, contribute and process in a way that they might not have had, if we left no space.

S – Summary

Summarising just means taking a little break in the forward progress of the conversation to pause and summarise what has happened already.

We think of this as planting little way-markers in map of our the conversation to make sure everyone knows where we have come from and where we are headed. Another metaphor is making sure that everyone in the conversation is on the same page.

If we’re not on the same page as the people we are speaking to, we often end up in unhelpful situations, so it’s really important to put the effort into ensuring everyone in a conversation is aligned.

We think helping people feel understood is benefit of active listening, when done well. Humbly inquiring is a key part of this, as is learning how to be a great listener, and we can explore Otto Scharmer’s levels of listening to learn more about doing this.

These skills help to improve interpersonal dynamics and build trust in our team.

It could also be worth exploring coaching and coaching questions, both of which hugely benefit from active listening.

It might be worth learning more in our podcast on Trust and Social Threats in work, which you can listen to below:

Not too much to say. Love the MORE PIES acronym, and the lovely link to a fine Scottish food (and a shout out to ever nation that enjoys a good pie).

More relevantly, we also think the underlying terms are all helpful here when it comes to active listening and engaging with others.

This comes from our conversations with the excellent Andrew B Brown, a friend IRL.

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